When Good Intentions Go Awry
My Battle with an Eating Disorder Fueled by Environmental Concerns
By Sofia Caracci
In a world where it’s becoming increasingly mainstream to be conscious of ethical and sustainable practices, the desire to make responsible choices for the planet is more prevalent than ever. However, what happens when pursuing a noble cause takes an unexpected toll on one's mental and physical well-being? This is the story of my journey through an eating disorder, triggered by an intense preoccupation with environmental and sustainability concerns.
My passion for environmentalism and sustainable living was genuine and heartfelt. As a Mellon Researcher in food systems, I spent my days reading countless studies in public health and nutrition, advocating for the creation of equitable and resilient food systems, and promoting diets based on seasonal availability. I wanted to align my lifestyle with my values, make choices that would contribute positively to the planet, and model ethical practices. But what began as admirable intentions led me down a dangerous path of obsession and, ultimately, an eating disorder.
It all began innocently enough. I started as a conscious consumer; scrutinizing food labels, researching the environmental impact of different agricultural practices, and being intentional with my purchases, only supporting ethical and sustainable food sources. While these efforts initially felt empowering, they soon spiraled into an unhealthy fixation on the purity and righteousness of my food choices.
The pressure to uphold impeccable standards in ethical food sourcing became all-consuming. Every meal became a moral dilemma; a battleground where my commitment to the planet clashed with my well-being. The fear of contributing to environmental degradation through my food choices grew so overwhelming that it manifested in restrictive eating patterns, anxiety around mealtime, and an increasing sense of guilt and self-punishment. I was no longer able to enjoy spontaneous meals with friends, struggled to bear the financial cost of ethically sourced food as a student, and no longer felt joy surrounding cooking.
In my pursuit of a sustainable lifestyle, I lost sight of the importance of balance and self-compassion. The obsession with ethical food sourcing took precedence over my nutritional needs and mental health. What started as a genuine desire to make a positive impact on the world turned into a destructive force, eroding my physical health and distorting my relationship with food.
As I confronted the reality of my deteriorating health, I began reevaluating sustainability's true essence. I realized that true sustainability encompasses not only environmental responsibility but also the well-being of individuals. It was a harsh lesson in understanding that my health was a vital component of the broader ecological balance I sought to contribute.
Recovery involved rebuilding a healthy relationship with food and redefining my approach to and understanding of sustainability. I learned that being an advocate for the planet should never come at the cost of one's mental and physical health. It's about finding a middle ground, and making informed choices without succumbing to the paralyzing fear of ecological annihilation.
Learning about the phenomenon of “climate anxiety” in Eco.Crews was a bittersweet experience. While it finally gave me the vocabulary to name what I had experienced, it was also heartbreaking to know that so many others are paralyzed by uncontrollable fear about the climate crisis. In fact, the preoccupying concern with climate has become so prevalent that climate-aware therapists have become a resource for those seeking resources & a listening ear. Good Grief Network, a virtual space centered around community building, also fosters meaningful connections to connect and process feelings of eco-grief, while also providing steps for collective action.
In sharing my story, I hope to shed light on the lesser-discussed challenges that can arise from a well-intentioned commitment to environmental and sustainability concerns. It's crucial to recognize the fine line between conscious living and the potential pitfalls of extremism. As a conscious consumer today, I bring tote bags to grocery stores, refrain from buying foods in plastic packaging, and support local farmers when possible. I talk to those around me about small steps they can take to work toward a green future-a step that a few months ago would’ve seemed much too nerve-wracking had Eco.Crews not encouraged us to take this step to inspire others. Let my journey be a reminder that self-care is an integral part of any sustainable lifestyle, and true harmony with the planet begins by nurturing both the Earth and ourselves.
“It is the harmony of the diverse parts, their symmetry, their happy balance; in a word it is all that introduces order, all that gives unity, that permits us to see clearly and to comprehend at once both the ensemble and the details.” -Henri Poincare